My Love Affair with Solitude

It all began last year when I went to the cinema alone. Something I never thought of doing - not because it was outrageous to me - just because I had never had the opportunity.

I went to see ‘The Battle of the Sexes’ - I had seen the trailer months before and I couldn’t wait to watch Emma Stone play Billie Jean King. That’s the thing with doing things on your own, you can do what you want to do, without the worry that someone else might not want to do it.

But when I told people I had been on my own to the cinema, I had gotten comments of “oh you’re so brave!” why was I brave? I hadn’t been to fucking war? I had been to the cinema. Something I have always loved to do, in solitude or with a companion.

I may have to say; I have always been fiercely independent.

I decided to up and move to France with a month's notice, not thinking about the repercussions it may have on the people who loved me.

Of course, they were fine. But I would have gone even if they weren’t fine with it.

Recently, I have also been spending a lot of time on my own. Not all that purposefully, I just find myself out and about by myself.

However, there is a certain joy of asking for a table for one when getting coffee, and indulge myself with a fancy avocado-based lunch.

Being alone in these situations gives me uninterrupted thinking time, a day binging true crime podcasts, reading a book I’ve wanted to for a while - and generally doing things I fear others may judge me for doing; or may not be their ‘thing’.

There is a clear taboo in 2019 surrounding the idea of solitude, and spending time on your own. In the social media age, we always have to be seen to having fun and having an AMAZING WONDERFUL LOVELY ENERGETIC EUPHORIC time with your friends. It’s exhausting. I want to spend a day in bed wallowing and watching Sex and the City. I want to go for a walk and think of nothing and speak to no one without judgement. Is that too much to ask?

I constantly ask myself why I enjoy solitude so much.

Do I hate people that much that the only person I enjoy is myself? (My anxiety and I can agree that’s not true)

Do I want to seem mysterious to the outside world? (Honestly couldn’t give a fuck)

Is being independent my most prevalent personality trait? (It could be, but my best friends would vouch I can certainly be very co-dependent)

Do I, in classic Ella fashion, just want to do something that everyone else is not? (Why oh why do I have the incessant need to be different?)

Am I really selfish?

Really, I think, I don’t like fuss, if I want to do something I will do it, with or without company.

Whatever it is, I urge you to spend a day by yourself in your own thoughts, people watch and laugh to yourself. It’s a nice therapy. Turn your phone off and take a walk. Go to the cinema on your own, and watch what you want.

Thankyou and bonne nuit.